


THE DREAM TEAM BOUGHT ME?! (A Parody Fic)

by buttermilkink



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue Heavy, I actually didn't do Sapnap dirty in this one, I think i'm hilarious tbh, M/M, Mild Language, Parody, barely, dnf isn't a big thing here but, i BEG of you to read this it's so fucking stupid, it's my favorite running gag in this, nothing but respect for MY poets, parody of those 'One Direction bought me' fics, they pioneered a genre tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29329908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttermilkink/pseuds/buttermilkink
Summary: Y/N puts their dark brown hair in a messy bun and gets stuck with three idiotsA Dream Team Parody of the ever-iconic 'ONE DIRECTION BOUGHT ME?!' genre
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	THE DREAM TEAM BOUGHT ME?! (A Parody Fic)

**Author's Note:**

> this came to me in a vision like fucking Joan of Arc seein' the angels, I did what needed to be done

I woke up late again. The Sun was already filtering in through my open blinds, filling the room with golden light. I groaned at the brightness and shoved my face back into the pillow. I just wanted to back to sleep. Nonetheless, I rolled out of bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

I could hear my stupid fucking mom downstairs screaming again, probably at our Samsung fridge for locking her out again. I was a total genius and coded it to not open without a fingerprint-it was to get back at her for cutting off the power in my room. Plus, it meant I could use the fridge display screen to stream Roadtrip by Dream (ft. PmBata, Now Streaming On Spotify and Apple Music) in peace.

I looked at myself in my hung bedroom mirror and grumbled. My brown hair was a mess of tangles falling just above my shoulders, and my matching brown eyes had dark circles sitting right under them. Whatever, nothing some eyeliner couldn't fix. I heard my mom yell again from downstairs, booming through the walls,

"Get down here, right now, Y/N," she hollered.

I responded with a 'Coming, Mom," and scrambled to fix myself up. I opened a few drawers and assembled my outfit for the day; a plain black tee, some loose-fitting khakis, long white socks, complete with my Official Sapnap Merch Fire Design Bucket Hat, and a few thin chains.

The drip was out of control.

I continued getting ready by messily applying my eyeliner and smudging it with a careful finger-just like my fashion icon and role model, Rodrick, from the original Diary of a Wimpy Kid live-action film. Finally, I threw my dark brown hair into a messy bun settled under my hat (If, theoretically, I had 3b or curlier hair, that bun was-in theory-held up by the promises of God).

I slipped on some jank-ass black Nike's I owned for some reason and bounded down the creaky wooden stairs. I walked into the living room to greet my mom and see what she wanted. Instead, I was greeted by not only my mother but three men standing in my living room.

_What?_

These weren't just some dudes either, they were THE white dudes of the decade-The Dream Team. George, Sapnap, and Dream were all awkwardly posted up in my living room for some reason.

My mom spoke up when she saw me, "Y/N, this is the Dream Team. I sold you to them to pay for the fucking fridge you broke,"

"Come again?" I said, seriously though- _what the fuck?_

"They bought you, get the hell out of my house. You're not my problem anymore," She spat.

 _Kinda harsh for just a fridge, but they ARE my favorite streamers,_ I said internally. I didn't really care enough to argue with her. I just shrugged and looked at the guys. Dream just nodded at me in acknowledgment and turned to address my mom,

"Thank you, ma'am, I sent the money already," he stated. He tapped the phone in his hand and turned it to show her the screen-I assumed it was a receipt of sorts. They said nothing to me, George shook his head at me, implying for me to follow, and I did. 

We left behind the place I no longer called home with an unceremonious door slam. I walked behind Dream and in front of Sapnap and George to what I assumed was their van. It looked like the textbook image of a shady kidnapper van, all white with heavily tinted windows, and the license plate read 'DRMTEAM'.

It looked stupid.

Dream slid into the driver's seat, the other two boys argued for shotgun. I stood next to the van door and tapped my foot impatiently against the sidewalk.

"Soooo," I drew out, "is anyone gonna open the door for me? I am a lady, you know?" 

"Well, actually, you're an ambiguously gendered placeholder for people to project onto," Sapnap pointed out. George took the moment of distraction to dive into the passenger seat. Sapnap flipped him off, then turned back to face me.

"My liege," He deadpanned, opening the door for me. I rolled my eyes and hopped into the leather seat. Sapnap went around and came to sit on the other side of the van. I clicked on my seatbelt and shuffled around to get comfortable. Dream turned the key and the car hummed to life. He pushed the gearshift to pull off the streetside and started to drive.

We sat in horribly awkward silence for a bit, until I finally broke it out of boredom. 

"So," I started, "did she post like a craigslist ad or something for me?"

"Nah, Wayfair listing," Dream said, focused on the road.

_Ah, so that's what those are for._

"Cool. Cool........how much?" I asked with genuine intrigue.

"$3,299.99 plus any fees and shipping," Sapnap answered for Dream

_Damnit, the exact price of a new Samsung fridge from Best Buy._

"Aw, I would say I'm at least 10k," I muttered. That was an understatement, 3.3k in this economy was criminal. Dream snorted and George let his head drop down into his palm.

"This one's annoying, can we get a refund?" He grumbled

"No return policy," Dream responded,

I slumped back in my seat with my arms crossed over my chest. I kicked at George's seat just hard enough to tick him off and smiled when he turned around to glare.

"I will return you to the lord, policy or not, right now," He threatened. Sapnap leaned forward in his seat to lightly flick his forehead and laughed.

"Calm down, Georgie, they're just messing around." He teasingly scolded, "Right, uh, what was your name?"

"You guys seriously didn't bother to find out my name before _buying_ a whole human?" I questioned.

They all nodded and mumbled a few words of agreement.

"But like, why though?" I asked

"Morbid curiosity and plot convenience," Dream answered honestly, the other guys mumbled more words of agreement. I sighed and questioned the judgment of my _owners?_ Yeah, no. That sounded gross, they were just some dudes. 

"It's Y/N," I mumbled under my breath.

"Oh, I like it," Sapnap smiled

"It could be literally anything-you know, placeholder?" I responded, pointing to myself.

"It's still very nice," He insisted. I grinned back at the compliment and let the car fall into a much more comfortable silence than before. We drove for a while, my own impatience was eating me alive and I couldn't stop shifting my position every two minutes. I was hungry, bored, and trapped in a car that was going at a nauseating pace.

"Where are we even going? It's been like 30 minutes,"

"We've actually just been going around this same block for half an hour," The blonde driver admitted.

"Huh. Well, can we get some food, then?"

"Oh! We should get Chick-fil-A," Sapnap interjected, making George groan in the passenger seat. Dream nodded his head a bit in consideration then spoke, "Hey, that doesn't sound half bad, Y/N?" he asked without turning.

"Sure, sounds good," 

"Get outvoted, George," Sapnap cheered. George huffed and slumped into his seat in defeat. Dream properly pulled out of the loop he'd been going in and typed in a course for a nearby Chick-fil-A. I fidgeted with my chains while I waited for our stop.

▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬

"Alright, what did you all want?" Dream asked at the drive-thru, turning to address the whole car. Sapnap and George spoke up first,

"Combo with a Sweet Tea and Chick-fil-A sauce," Sapnap said, " _don't_ screw up the sauce," he warned

"Peach milkshake, small," George turned to me and added, "you?" 

"The same thing as Sapnap sounds good," 

Dream said all the orders and added his own to the cashier diligently writing down everything he said. He pulled forward and paid, at the next window he grabbed the bags and cardboard cupholder, passing them among the car. Sapnap immediately dug through his bag and relaxed his shoulders when he cupped a small pile of sauce packets. George popped open the paper straw wrapper on his thigh and stabbed the straw into his pastel orange drink. I sat my own bag on my lap and waited for the car to stop before eating.

The van squeezed into an open parking space in the lot and Dream killed the engine. I started eating with everyone else and for a solid minute, the word was nothing but my sandwich and me. It was a spiritual experience.

"Mmm, homophobic chicken," George taunted

"Quit acting holier-than-thou your milkshake isn't safe from the clutches of corrupt corporations," Sapnap defended, mouth half-full of chicken.

"Let him have this, George," Dream joined in, "last time he went on a rant about how ethical consumption doesn't exist in capitalism,"

"Whatever," George said, smiling faintly at the ridiculous memory. He sipped his milkshake peacefully and stole a few of Dream's fries.

"Can we turn on some music?" I asked

"Sure, what did you want?" Dream responded

"Muse?"

Everyone in the car said their own little 'sounds good' and Dream reached for his phone.

"Like-new Muse?" I continued

Sapnap, George, and Dream all shot me looks of faint disgust.

 _Alright, yeah, old Muse, then._  
▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬

The low rumble of music sounded through the car while we ate, I was deep in another enlightening bite when I noticed the two in the front seat having their own moment. Dream held a fry up to George's face and watched him bite it. It was gross and kind of felt like when your parents flirted in front of you.

Though, my dad was dead for backstory purposes so, I wouldn't know.

I leaned to Sapnap and whispered to him with a secretive held up to my face, "I feel like I'm intruding on something here,"

"Yeah, I just kinda block it out at this point," He responded.

We looked and nodded at each other in solidarity, returning to our sandwiches.

 _What a fucking trip. Wednesdays are always kinda weird though,_ I thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far and putting up with me for 1.6k words
> 
> but hey if you liked it, I have actual fics too!
> 
> comments and kudos are very appreciated
> 
> Also!!! If you make any content inspired by any of my work PLEASE let me know I will kiss you on the lips, that stuff is so awesome
> 
> and if you made it THIS far, here's my copycat chickfila sauce recipe, modified through vast trial and error over internet recipes,
> 
> -3 spoonfuls of honey  
> -1 tablespoon yellow mustard  
> -1 tablespoon dijon mustard (deli works but I am not responsible for your mustard choices)  
> -1/4 cup of mayo  
> -a good squeeze of lemon juice  
> -1 tablespoon of BBQ sauce


End file.
